Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Watch - See The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor Watch In the Far East, Alex O'Connell, the son of famed mummy fighters Rick and Evy O'Connell, unearths the mummy of the first Emperor of Qin -- a shape-shifting entity cursed by a witch centuries ago.Director: Rob Cohen
Writers: Alfred Gough, Miles Millar,
Stars: Brendan Fraser, Jet Li and Maria Bello
45 minutes into the film: I go to the bathroom. Theatre-hop into the middle of Mamma Mia. No kidding. Stay there for about 5 minutes (during the "Does Your Mama Know" number. Seen it twice; love it.

60 minutes into the film: Discover the kid has fallen asleep. We're at a 5 pm showing, by the way.

75 minutes into the film: I have the worst luck in theatres; if there's a crying baby, his parents will sit immediately behind me. If there's a person whose hearing was damaged by too much disco, he'll sit beside me and shout questions at his wife or boyfriend through the whole thing. You know; things like this have made me spend the money and buy a home theater with 9' screen. I still love going to the theater, however. Anyway, when the 4 year old that sits near us starts talking in his "outside voice" to his obviously deaf Grandma and Pa (or is it Great-Grandma and Pa), instead of yelling "Shut UP!" like I normally do, I start listening to HIM; it's actually more entertaining.

90-something minutes into the film: Now, I'm no longer wishing for the cellphone and have gone straight to wishing I had an actual bomb, so I could get the theater emptied out.

The End of the Film: the bedraggled audience weakly applauds the fact that it's over. No kidding. I hear people leaving, saying things like "maybe we can get our money back", and "That SUCKED". I've never heard things like that on exit from a movie like this before, and I see a LOT of movies. The kid apologizes again. I say "You OWE me. Big Time." He says "I'm soooo sorry this sucked so bad".
Did you get that, moviemaker sellouts? An 11 year old kid! Loves Star Wars, James Bond, Indiana Jones, Pirates of the Caribbean, etc. YOUR TARGET AUDIENCE. And your movie is SO bad, he feels GUILTY about me spending our money to see it! Where can I send this bill I've created for having my intelligence insulted by Mario Bello, a beautiful woman who's apparently never even HEARD of England? Maybe it's not her fault. Maybe her family has B-S'd her all her life, telling her how she sounds "just like those Harry Potter movies" or something. Pathetic is not a word that comes close. I'll have to create a new one: Skantasticalistically Snarxious. Trust me. Burn your money. Don't even go to it thinking you'll be able to make fun of it, like Rocky Horror. Let's all pitch in and bury this deep, like you're supposed to do with rottingcorpses                                                                      

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